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I’ve been trying to muster up the strength to write this since it happened but like I normally do when I’m struck with sadness, I’ve been hiding. On Tuesday night my Mom called me around 9 PM to tell me Grandpa had called and said we had lost Grandma. I called the vet office the very next morning at 8:00 and made arrangements for the dogs and we were on the road by 9:00 AM.

There really aren’t words to describe how deep my sadness and feeling of loss is. I loved my Grandma with all of my heart. Most of my best childhood memories are centered around her and my Grandpa. I spent summers at their house. Fishing, helping clean the house, playing in the sprinkler, going to church, out for ice cream and so many other things.

Grandma always sent cards on holidays. Halloween, Easter, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays. There was always a card coming in the mail with a $5 bill tucked inside. And they weren’t just any ol’ generic card, either. They were cards that she had actually gone to the store to pick out and send. I’m going to miss these cards :(

Unfortunately, Grandma was stricken with Liver Cancer back in June 2007. She did a handful of weeks of Chemo but it just about killed her. She survived the last 9 months with Grandpa’s 24/7 care. I wouldn’t call anything she experienced in the last 6 months living at all. I don’t believe she was ever in any pain but I also don’t think she really knew when we were there or not, or remembered it for that matter.

Grandpa is my hero, in every sense of the word. He slept in his chair next to her bed in the den for almost 10 months. Waking many times through the night to check on her. Lifting her when she’d fall off the couch. Feeding her. Giving her medicine. Helping her to the bathroom and then eventually changing her when she was so ill she could no longer get up to the bathroom. Among all of this, keeping a clean house and doing the normal things that he had to do to keep on living. It took a toll on him and you can see it in his eyes and in his face. It’s a little more droopy than it was a year ago and the circles around his eyes are a little darker than they were a year ago. But he did it because it was his wife, he made a promise to her 52 years ago and he stood by it. He loved her and did whatever he had to do to take care of her. Her wish was to never be put in a nursing home and he wouldn’t hear anything of it if someone mentioned it would be so much easier on him.

I’m going to try to go visit Grandpa whenever I can. Maybe every couple of weeks. It’s hard because they live 3 hours away and I have 2 dogs I have to think about here. I worry about Grandpa and I worry about him being too lonely.

In Memory Of
JoAnn Fluke
June 23, 1933 to August 19, 2008
[Obituary is here]

I’m struggling with my religious and spiritual beliefs right now but I know Grandma is up with her God right now. She gave her life to her church and she is where she has worked to be her entire life. I hope that my children some day will love and cherish their Grandma as much as I have mine.

Today is the first day in four that I’ve not had a headache. I felt a slight twinge in my cranium about 30 minutes ago so I popped a couple of Dayquil. It seems to have kicked it in the butt and I am feeling good as far as my head goes. The only complaint I have this morning is that I’ve been feeling pretty queasy for the last couple of hours. I ate some Blueberry Frosted Mini Wheats this morning and then took my round of medicine… Maybe all of the medicine I’ve taken this morning has made me feel yucky? I took my 500MG Antibiotic, Allegra, Prenatal vitamin, Multi-vitamin and 2 Dayquil. I wasn’t sure if I should take the multi-vitamin with the prenatal but whatever. And no I’m not pregnant, I’m just taking prenatal vitamins because I want to become pregnant.

So anyway… That has been my life recently. I’ve been sleeping 12-14 hours at night and taking naps during the day. Today will hopefully be the first day this week that I’ve worked a full day. A few of the days I only left 30 minutes early, so they were pretty much full days but today I actually feel alive again. I don’t even remember Monday through Thursday. Those days seem like a complete blur to me. Stupid sinuses!

Since I’m feeling so much better, I plan on getting my eyebrows waxed on my lunch break. I haven’t got them done in at least 4 weeks. Yes, that long. I actually plucked them a little at first and now they’re so grown in there is no way I’m going to try to pluck away at them. That would be pure TORTURE. I’d much rather someone rip them off of my face with a quick motion than to pull each hair out individually. I’ve perfected the Unibrow and it is now time to move on…

I’ve been ill the last couple of days and we drove up to my Grandma’s house over the weekend. Those are my excuses for my lack of posts. I’m sure I could think of more excuses like my Carpal Tunnel has returned and is trying to bring me down or that I’m trying to cope with this whole Circle of Life crap.

Grandma isn’t doing well, at all. It doesn’t seem like she could weigh more than 50 pounds. She looks worse than those children you see on those television segments where they try to get you to sponsor a child. I’m not even kidding. She actually looks exactly like the skeletons we saw at The Human Body exhibit a few months back. It is all too much to take in at times. I have to separate my mind from the whole ordeal and just pretend this isn’t even happening. And even though she has been deteriorating for the last year, I don’t think anything could possibly prepare me for the day that we get the phone call that she has passed away.

I keep thinking back to May of last year, at Memorial Day, she was fine. And then in September of last year she was in the hospital after Chemo just about killed her and she looked like death. And since then, she has slowly gotten worse. She outlived the doctor’s predictions by almost a year… But was the year even worth it? She’s been mostly unresponsive since then and her mind has been going and going, slowly.

Anyway, that’s what has been on my mind. And I’ve been sick. So I’ve been away from the computer. I uploaded a bunch of pictures to my Flickr account from our trip to Grandma’s house this last weekend. I love going to their house because it seems like time moves so much slower in a small town. The smells, the nature, the memories. It is all so overwhelming, in a good way. When I’m there I feel like I just want to revert back to when I was 10 years old and would spend an entire summer there. Grandpa would make popcorn and serve it up in paper sacks. We’d go to Braum’s for ice cream in the evenings and he would take me fishing.

Grandpa is hanging in there. But he looks so worn. He has been taking care of Grandma because she always said she never wanted to go into a nursing home. After seeing all that he has had to do and seeing how much it is taking a toll on his own health, I told Gene to just put me into a home if I ever get that bad. I feel so bad for Grandpa but he is a true hero to me. He has done so much for her and still does to this day.

Doin’ the stinkin’ dishes. On a regular basis, too! Ugh. There are a lot of things in my life that I’m noticing more and more lately that make me feel like I am finally starting to grow up. Sometimes they’re good things… Sometimes they’re not so great. Growing up can mean so many different things to people and it can start at so many different ages. Growing up to my child hood best friend started at age 10 when she was having to cook dinner for a family of seven. Growing up to me started the day before I turned 26 when I got married.

Growing up means…

• Being responsible for my own laundry. If I slack off, I end up with nothing to wear. Those days are the ones that really hit me hard. Where’s mom to do my laundry every Tuesday? Maybe it’s time to start a laundry schedule.
• Feeding my doggies twice a day. Remembering to refill their water bowl. They’re living things that I have to take care of. Worrying about them if they’re ill. Taking them to the vet for their shots. Being the sole care giver for them.
• Making sure Gene and I have something to eat for dinner every night. And lunch on the weekends. And breakfast. This is something I constantly struggle with because by time I get home from work every night, I am exhausted.
• Keeping up with the dishes so that we have clean silverware and plates and cups to eat and drink out of. Besides, who likes a stinky sink full of dirty dishes?
• Taking control of a pesky rodent problem in our home. When I lived at home? I never had to even worry about this kind of thing. Dad always took care of these types of problems! But now I have to step it up and actually take care of it myself or else my house will be overrun with mice. Cute little furry grey mice. That I’ll eventually kill. It’s sad. But seriously? They have like fifty kajillion babies every year so I don’t need those things multiplying.
• Always worrying about money. Always. Paying bills on time. Insurance copays. Insurance deductibles. Prescriptions. Groceries. Car repairs. Gas. Utilities. A new fence. Hemorrhaging money. All the time.
• Keeping track of dates! This is the WORST thing for me. Mom always kept track of my activities, what papers I had due and when, what birthday parties I needed to go to and when, and whether or not I had showered in the last 48 hours. Now? I have no idea. I keep it all in my trusty little Blackjack II. But sometimes I forget to put it in there. And sometimes I don’t show up to things that I said I would. Oops.
• Mowing yards. Planting flowers. Basic home upkeep that I never once had to worry about previously.

There is more of course. But those are just a few things that come to mind. I guess the biggest thing of all is knowing that I have vowed and have a responsibility to myself and to Gene to take care of both of us until death do us part. To care for him when he is ill and to be as understanding as possible whenever we aren’t in agreement. I wont lie, there are days where I just want to do whatever I want to do and not have to worry about anything or anyone else. But in all honesty, those days are few and far between. I rarely find myself longing for that kind of independence. I love taking care of Gene and I love caring for him. It gives me purpose and makes me feel good about myself and what I’m doing with my life.

So.. Growing up isn’t so bad. Right? I mean, the car repairs and bills and groceries and dishes aren’t the greatest things ever. And neither is the whole Job thing. But it’s worth it in the end.

Yesterday I decided that I was going to take some scissors to my hair and just go wild with it. My hair was way below my shoulders in April and as soon as the wedding was over and I had the Magical Updo of my Dreams I chopped it down to just above my shoulders. I decided that I am sick of it being in this perpetual state of Nothing. So my little sister came over yesterday to discuss a few things and while we were chattin’ it up on the couch I asked her if she would cut my hair. Btw, she has no experience in cutting hair.

So we chopped my hair off and it is actually really cute! Gene took a bunch of pictures during the process and I plan to download them off of the camera whenever I get home this evening. Last night was a long night and by time Layla left it was already 10 PM. So I let my 17 year old sister chop my hair off with a pair of Ikea Kitchen Scissors and it looks better than the majority of the haircuts I’ve had. Awesome! And cheap! She tried to charge me $25. Hah, funny little girl ;D

So in September, we’re driving down to Dallas so my sister can have another shot at taking the ACT before it’s too late. Of course I am more than willing to take her down there and also very looking forward to going to the Ikea down there! I told Gene we needed to save up some money before we go ;) I may try to take one of my mom’s vehicles so that I’ll have enough room to put stuff in. Oh my gosh I’m already getting excited haha.

So I guess that is all. I had a Lean Pocket for breakfast today because nothing else sounded good and now my tummy is paying for it. Apparently it doesn’t like something like that for breakfast. I’ll leave you all with a picture of Emma, my sweet sweet baby girl :)

So, as I had expected, I did not end up doing half of the things I had planned or wanted to do this weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great weekend. But I didn’t get to reorganize or clean out closets like I had planned. Gene and I discussed ways to organize our stuff and decided we need to get some plastic containers and boxes to get it accomplished. However, it was on a Sunday afternoon and unfortunately it was 106° outside and most places were closed already. At least we talked about it. That’s the first step, right? Or wait, maybe that is the second step. The first step is admitting you have a problem. And I’m pretty sure I did that already.

So here we are, on a Typical Monday. Everything started out wonderfully until about 20 minutes into my day. And then things went straight into the gutter. And things kept piling up in the gutter. And now my head wants to explode. It seems as if I get a headache every day, even on my days off. And a good one hour nap will usually nip it in the bud. But, sometimes when you are at work, it isn’t exactly possible to lay down and take a one hour nap. I look forward to going home to see my puppies and get our dinner together. I look forward to relaxing until it gets later and then taking a short, sweaty walk around the neighborhood.

See, I’ve gained a LOT of weight since our wedding. I don’t even have the balls to tell anyone exactly how much I’ve gained. Yes, it’s that bad. My goal starting today is to start eating better and start exercising more. I’ve got to shed the pounds. Most of my clothes do not fit me comfortably right now and it is a sore reminder every day of how I’ve let myself go. I cried a little bit last night as I fell asleep and just kept telling myself that tomorrow is a new day. That tomorrow I could change everything.

So far today I haven’t struggled with snacking like I usually do. I had a smaller bowl of cereal than I usually do. I ate a Lean Cuisine for lunch even though I was tempted to stop at McDonalds or Taco Bueno while I was out getting my allergy shot at lunch. I went home and resisted any tempting snacks and instead just grabbed a Diet Caffeine Free Coke from the fridge. I did eat about 4 Chocolate Chip cookies that I made yesterday. Those are bad, I realize this. But I’m workin’ on it. I plan to bring some up to work tomorrow and to practice a personal mystery illness that is Self Control.

So due to the ridiculous temperatures around here recently, I haven’t been able to take a whole lot of pictures. It’s no fun taking pictures outside when you are literally pouring sweat. So we’ve been staying inside as much as possible and trying to keep cool. I’m ready for the temperatures to go back down into the 70s or 80s so I can actually enjoy it outside! Everything here is dying and it is starting to look like Fall outside because of the heat. My parent’s have had to rake leaves in their yard for the last few weeks because one of their trees has about no leaves on it anymore. It’s crazy!

Somebody please cool this place down!!!!!

I’m so glad to see August. Why? Because that means we’re getting closer to the end of Summer. I can’t take this heat much longer. Next week is in the 100s all week and the high is 104 one day. I think that may be the day that I officially melt to death. Only one other person has ever melted to death and that was Frosty the Snowman. But he is lucky in one single magical way, he comes back every year with the new Winter’s snow. Me? Not so much.

So.. I have great plans for the weekend. We don’t have any commitments other than a birthday party to attend tomorrow afternoon. I am planning on re-organizing the closets in my house and seeing what all I can purge. I need to go through the hoards of books on my shelves and see what I’ve read and what I don’t need to keep. I need to go through boxes of purses and other stuff in the closet shelves. I need to get some plastic tubs to pack away the stuff we are wanting to keep but never use. We have a lot of Fortune Cookie boxes that Gene has had his stuff in for years now and if he is wanting to preserve the things in them, that is not the way to do it! I may have to go buy at least 5 tubs this weekend but my plan is to get everything organized and in a proper place. We no longer live in a rent house or apartment, we live in a home that we own. Therefore, I think we should spoil ourselves a little by getting our things in place and organized. I mean, we’re gonna be living in this house for a while.

Anyway, I am going to try my best to get some stuff done around the house this weekend. I also am going to get a before and after photo of our refrigerator when I clean it. So wish me luck on all of these things. They’re the things I swear I’m going to do EVERY weekend and never end up doing, hah.