I changed our bed linens and the dirty ones are in the dryer as I type. Does anyone else find changing bed linens a big chore? It feels like SO much work. I just love slipping into bed on clean bed linens though. I always make an effort to shower RIGHT before bed on Clean Linens Night. I also cleaned/dried/put away our laundry and I cleaned out a big portion of my clothes and put a bunch away to donate and trashed some others. I’ve just done a lot of picking up crap all over the house tonight and that alone feels like a BIG chore.

Having time to myself is something I am slowly but surely working on. I haven’t talked about it but I had a panic attack, my first one ever, a couple of weeks ago and it really scared me. I think all of the mess I’ve dealt with ever since Kiera’s crazy birth had finally caught up with me. It’s amazing how much better I am feeling these days, both physically and mentally but I have caught myself with early signs of a panic attack coming on and have to work hard and focus to get control. Editing and posting pictures of my girls is something that ALWAYS puts a huge smile on my face.

Today we just hung out around the house, didn’t do anything big. We took the girls outside for a short while but it was just too chilly to stay out long. I took a few snap shots of the girls.. I just love them so much! Every single day I catch myself staring at them and admiring their beauty. Every single little feature.

Zoey’s big, almond eyes. Her pouty and pink lips that pucker so perfectly that I find myself begging her for kisses on a daily basis. Her cute little nose and puffy cheeks. Her short and stubby fingers and her short and chubby (and I mean CHUBBY!) feet. Her stubby and crooked toes (thank Grandma for that one!). I cannot get over how absolutely perfect she is.

Kiera’s small and dark almond eyes. She looks at me with those glossy eyes and I am lost in love. Her flat nose, just like Daddy’s. Her cheeks are most definitely puffy and I love to kiss them. She has a wider mouth with smaller lips that sit right on top of the cutest little indented chin I’ve ever seen. Right below her chin is another chin, which I love JUST as much as the first one! Her hairy ears just make me giggle and I often find myself stroking them. She is perfect in every way.

These are my girls and I can’t imagine my life ANY other way. I cannot believe how lucky and blessed I am to be THEIR Mama.

And drink out of a “big girl” cup?

And shovel said cheese into her mouth by handfuls?

Sometimes I feel like every time I blink she grows another inch and learns a new facial expression, new skill, or makes a new sound. People warned us about time flying. They warned us to cherish each moment because they are going off to college before you know it. There was a lot of eye rolling when given such unsolicited advice but now I see. Now I understand what they were saying. Now I find myself warning others of their fate.

Now we are approaching her very first Easter. And not too long after that, we’ll be celebrating her first year on this earth. How??? Someone please pause the clock. Just for a second. My heart desperately needs to catch up.

I love her. More than I ever thought possible.

Wait.

What do you mean you don’t watch Family Guy? Oh, you say your maturity level is above this show? Well, you may have stopped by the wrong blog then because that kind of 14 year old prepubescent boy humor is right up my alley! Anyway, back to what I was saying:

There is an episode where Stewie is standing next to Lois, she is laying in bed exhausted and he is trying to get her attention, “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois!” Lois jumps up and shouts “WHAT?” and Stewie mischievously shouts “Hi!” and runs off laughing like a mad man. I felt like I lived this exact same scene today, except on a completely different level.

You see, last night I only got about 4 hours of sleep and only in two separate 2 hour increments. I was exhausted this morning and Zoey was especially fussy. She would constantly follow me around the house, whining and fussing, sometimes hollering. At one point I put my feet up on the coffee table and decided to have myself a little Mom Break because I felt like I was about to lose my grip with sanity at any given moment.

You’re laughing at the Mom Break comment, aren’t you? Because we all know there is no such a thing. There are variations. But not really.

So within just a few nanoseconds, Zoey was standing next to me, holding on to the couch for dear life and half crying, half fussing and half sweetly saying “Mamamamamamama.” (ok, so maybe you can’t technically do half of something three times, but c’mon just work with me here) At about that point I didn’t know whether to be annoyed or overwhelmed with the cuteness. She was doing her fake-sad squinty face (the one she does to get attention. did I mention that her genius is starting to scare me?) and interchanging between three different moods. All I had wanted was a break and just moments earlier I was feeling on the edge of desperation, but that adorable little mad squinty face and cute babbles just erased every single thing that I had previously felt and all of a sudden I was picking her up and snuggling her, giving her More Than She Bargained For Neck Kisses and blowing raspberries into her tummy.

She got what she wanted: my attention. Again, the genius thing comes back into play. I’m afraid I’ve been wrapped around a tiny, chubby and mostly slobbery finger. Send. Help.

As much as I am going to really miss my tiny little newborn, I am really enjoying this new phase in Z’s life. I will start to feel a little sad knowing she wont ever be that teeny tiny little baby anymore but then she will give me a big, open mouth smile and my heart just melts into a puddle. That is when I realize that this next stage in her life is going to be oh so much fun.

We are starting to have a routine and I like it a lot. Here is how it goes:

In the mornings (usually around 9-10 AM, it varies) I get her from the co-sleeper and as soon as I say Good Morning she will give me a big blurry-eyed grin. I can tell she is sleepy and when I un-velcro the SwaddleMe blanket, she will begin her back-arching and stretching. She even makes little stretching grunts. It’s adorable. I feed her about 4oz and then go change her diaper and change her outfit. I finish the last ounce and then we just talk and play for a little bit. She is usually back asleep within’ an hour or two for a good nap.

She will usually eat again around 11:30 AM and then take another bottle around 2:30 PM. After the 2:30 PM bottle, she goes to sleep and gets up at 4 PM, on the dot, every single day, for a bottle! She eats and then naps on and off while I start dinner. She is usually getting fussy as soon as Gene walks in the door (6 PM) from work so he watches her while I finish dinner. She’ll usually eat after we have eaten. She goes to bed sometime between 9-11 PM and will usually sleep a good 11 hours or so.

In all honesty, I cannot complain about this little munchkin. She is a really good baby and is usually content just laying in her bouncy whenever I need to get something done around the house. Sometimes I’ll lay her in her crib to look at her Winnie the Pooh mobile for a change of scenery. It is so much different have a baby that will actually interact with you. It’s so much fun and I know it is only going to get better.

[sidenote] I’ve noticed that she is really enjoying when she sits in the Bumbo chair or when I sit her up on my tummy when I’m laying down. She likes when we hold her up like she is standing on her feet too. Today she has really been trying to lift herself up, like her head and upper torso whenever she is laying on the bouncy seat.

I decided to brave it and try to get my grocery shopping done. I made a mad dash to the back of the grocery section and started frantically throwing things in my basket, working my way up to the produce section. Minus all of the violent shopping basket driving, this shopping trip was not unlike one you would have seen on the good ol’ show Supermarket Sweep. You remember that show, right? Hello?

Anyway… I grabbed the avacados, the last thing on my list and Screamy McScreamerson erupted into hysterical cries of hunger. I tried to give her a pacifier to buy me some time and the cries only got louder and more pissed off sounding. I wheeled her over to the Starbucks that is inside the store and took her out of her car seat and fed her a good 1 1/2 oz. Burped her. Rocked her. Put her back into the seat. SCREAMS! LOUD! VIOLENT! SCREAMMINGGG! I picked her back up and carried her to the check out line. She fell asleep instantly in my arms. I PURPOSEFULLY got into the longest line there was (on PURPOSE, might I remind you) so that I could have time to hold her until she got into a good, deep sleep. Once it was my turn to start loading all of my over-priced goodies onto the conveyor belt, I gently placed her into her car seat. Except, it wouldn’t have been very gentle and perfect without me BUMPING HER HEAD ON THE HANDLE. I gasped and kissed her head and to my surprise, she never made a peep. Phew.

She is still sleeping. I kid you not. I’ve been home for almost an hour. Too scared to take her out of her car seat. I actually had time to come home, unload the groceries and am eating some McDonald’s right now. I didn’t mention it but my car said it was 103° outside. And I believe it. I think Zoey enjoyed that warmth. Me? Not so much. I can totally do without the sweating and the Burning Yourself On The Metal Part Of The Seat Belt Buckle.

So my doctor called (after I called them) and my HIDA scan results were normal. As happy as I am to hear that and know that it looks like I wont be needing any surgery, I am a little bummed because it leaves me in the dark about what actually happened. It could have been the Ecoli and they told me to go ahead and keep taking my antibiotics and eating a tame diet for the next 2 or 3 weeks. I guess we’ll just play it by ear and see if any of that pain comes back again. If it does, at least I have some hydrocodone on hand to help with the pain.

In other news, today was a very trying day for this new Mommy. Zoey would not get comfortable and was fussy most of the day. I pretty much had her in my arms the entire day and by around 5 PM I was really wanting Gene home. We both laid down in the bed around 6 PM and we slept until about 8:30. Gene got home sometime around 6:30. He has been taking care of her since we got up this evening. I’m tired and hoping that he will take the night time duty tonight so I can get some rest.

I was so exhausted by about 5 PM that Zoey and I both just cried and cried for a good 20 minutes. Well, I cried for a solid 45 minutes but she only cried off and on for about 20 minutes. I just held her close and rocked her and cried. I just didn’t know what else to do to make her stop being so fussy and I was so tired that I just couldn’t hold back anymore. I’m sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that I just started my first period since she was born and it is a vicious one. The pain is full throttle and I’ve been having to take extra strength Tylenol around the clock. Thinking I need to get back on the pill soon to tame this beast.

Mom told me my Grandpa was taken to the hospital via ambulance this evening. A neighbor went to check on him and found him slumped over in his chair due to low blood sugar. The paramedics were able to get his sugar up and get him somewhat coherent but they are admitting him into the hospital tonight. Also, he fell and cut himself and couldn’t get it to stop bleeding (he is on blood thinners) but luckily the neighbor helped him bandage it up. Oh and the neighbor found him on his riding lawn mower and he couldn’t get off so the neighbor had to help him with that too. It really stinks that he is so far away (3 hour drive) from us. I wish we lived closer so that I could go check on him several times a week. I miss him a lot and had a good time being there over the weekend. It seems like it is always something lately!

Anyway, that is all for tonight. Hoping to have a mild weekend. We’ll see.

I had a wonderful day. We went to eat at Mimi’s Cafe for Mother’s Day lunch but the wait was 1 hour and 10 minutes! We saw there were hardly any cars in the parking lot at BJs so we went there instead. It was a wonderful lunch. We then went back to my parent’s house to hang around for a couple of hours until we met some out of town family for dessert. Zoey got to spend some much needed quality time with Grandpa and then we headed to Cracker Barrell to meet our family that was passing through town.

By time we got home it was easily 6:30 PM. We got Zoey fed and ended up taking a nap on the couch. By time we got up it was time for her to eat again and boy she was screaming. I think she was trying to poop, and then she did poop, and then her diaper was dirty… it was a succession of events that had her screaming at the very top of her lungs. She was doing that new baby cry where they are screaming so loud and so upset that eventually it is no longer screaming, just hollow from-the-throat cries and a VERY red face. It was awful! I finally got her calmed down enough with a pacifier that I could actually feed her after Gene changed her and she ate peacefully and went down very easily after that. Poor little girl wore herself out!

Today at Cracker Barrell, she made what we thought to be a really stinky diaper. Since I have The Best Husband Ever, Gene took her to the Men’s room and changed her diaper. He really is the best Daddy ever. I just wanted to document that this was the first time Zoey was changed in a public place by her Daddy.

Well, my thoughts are scattered and not very well put. I’m pretty tired. I’m going to get my shower in before Zoey wakes up again to eat. I’m hoping she will eat sometime around 12 or 1 and cross my fingers that she’ll go down easily and sleep for 3-4 hours. Last night she was super fussy and we ended up sleeping together on the papasan chair together because she just would not go down. However, at her 5:30 AM feeding, she went down pretty easily and slept until 9:30 AM. Gene is going in to work early tomorrow morning so it will be just us tomorrow.

Oh one more thing, Zoey got me the CUTEST card ever. Complete with backwards Es and everything ;) She also got me a set of 3 board books to read to her. I may have to read one to her this evening before she goes to bed. I love my husband so much! I am blessed to be a mother today. Feeling very fortunate.

Tomorrow is my due date!

So last night was a little rough. Zoey has been really fussy lately and I think it’s gas related. We’ve been in the same ol’ formula battle. Wondering if it’s the formula or if it’s a weak digestive track. It’s hard to tell. This morning she was pretty fussy but not too awful. This afternoon she was much better but at one point she just kept crying out while she was laying/sleeping in her bouncy chair and I finally just broke down bawling my eyes out.

I cried and bounced her and told her I just didn’t know what to do but that whenever she was hurting so was Mommy. I picked her up and held her close to me and kissed her and snuggled her and she eventually went to sleep, peacefully. While I was sitting there I realized my overflow of emotions was partially related to her being so fussy but also I was a little disappointed in myself. I set these high expectations of getting the house clean and making dinner and doing all of these wonderful things since I no longer had to work but I hadn’t been getting them done and felt like a huge failure. I realized at that moment that maybe my expectations were just a little too far out there for right now. That maybe, since I am only 3 weeks postpartum, I should stick with the small things I’ve been doing like laundry and dishes and of course, taking care of Zoey. I realized right now I just need to focus on Zoey and the rest can wait. We can eat sandwiches until I can get my stuff together and have time and patience to cook a real meal. After making this realization, I felt sooo much better and so much more at peace with everything. I then fed her and we took a lovely 2 hour nap in the bed together. She laid in my arms and we snoozed so peacefully. It couldn’t have been more perfect!

And since Mother’s Day is coming up soon and it is my first, I thought I’d comment on something that happened recently that totally made me feel like a real Mom. Yesterday we went to the mall and got our hair cut and I kept saying I needed to take a shower after we got home because I had little tidbits of hair all over me, which was in turn getting all over the baby and everything I touched. However, since I was so busy I never got around to taking one. The thing is, before we even left for the mall I was projectile vomited on by the sweet little angel baby. I mean, everywhere. And guess when I finally took a shower? Around 9 PM tonight, hah. Nice, right? I spent the entire day with projectile vomit residue all over my chest and tiny hair tidbits all over me and stinky armpits. And honestly, as I realized all of this, I just had to have a big ol’ smile because this is what motherhood is. And I am totally ok with that. It actually made me a little happy to know that I can finally relate to all of those mommies out there who talk about those sacred showers that seem to be so few and far between. I guess I’ve officially joined the Mommy’s club.

In non-Zoey related news, I would like to announce that my aunt had her baby yesterday morning! She was due the day before me but had been measuring a little ahead throughout her entire pregnancy. She had a beautiful baby girl weighing in at just over 8lbs and her name is Addisyn Ann. They live in Illinois so I am bummed that I can’t hold her or meet her yet but hopefully that time will come soon enough. I’m so happy for them!

Last night we put Zoey down just after midnight and she didn’t wake me up until 4:10 AM! It was glorrrrious. I heard her fussing and hesitantly looked at the clock because it felt like I had only been asleep for an hour and when I saw it said 4:10 AM I had to refocus my eyes and look at it for another 30 seconds or so. I just could not believe it! What a good little girl. I know she was tired because she had been awake for a couple hours before we put her down. Or maybe it was because Daddy fed her and put her down. Maybe he has the magic touch? I may have to have him do that again tonight lol

Sometime in the next week or so I’d like to get a bed time routine going for us. I’d like to feed her, change her into her jammies and read to her at a specific time every night. At this point with her waking up every 2-3 hours to eat, it is a little difficult to come up with a very specific time to do all of this but I’d like to at least try to get something going so that later on down the line we’ll already have some kind of routine established. Also, I’m looking forward to getting my own routine down in the coming weeks. Gene is going back to work the week after next and I don’t think I’ll get any routines down good until he is officially back at work and I’m on my own.

Today Zoey went on her first trip to the mall. Gene and I went and got our hair cut this morning and then we walked the mall for a few hours. Had Subway for lunch and then headed home. We stopped and got some more Enfamil formula on our way back.. I really think this formula might be working out. Or at least I hope so. She still gets fussy when she can’t seem to poop. Trying to determine if her fussiness regarding this is normal or too much is what is really difficult. This is my first child and I just have no idea how these things work. A lot of this parenting stuff is instinct and I totally understand that, but there are just some things that aren’t instinct and I’m left wondering, is this normal or do I need to call the doctor? She isn’t screaming out but she gets fussy and grunts a lot like she’s trying to move her bowels. She is having enough wet and dirty diapers every day though, so I think everything is ok.

Amazingly, she is getting a little too big for her preemie clothes. The onesies are still fitting her pretty well but anything that has legs like sleepers are just too short for her. We’re having a little trouble getting her head through some of the onesies but as far as the body goes, they are still fitting her okay. I can’t believe she is growing so much! Gene and I are taking bets on her weight. She goes to the doctor on Tuesday for her 4 week check up. I’m saying 6lb 5oz and he is saying 6lb 9oz. She is definitely starting to get a tiny bit of chub on her thighs and arms.. It’s so cute and I want to munch on them all day long.

I don’t know what to say other than I am completely smitten with this little girl. I always have known my entire life that I wanted to have children and I wanted to be a mommy but there just aren’t words that can prepare you for the overwhelming love and adoration you can feel for your child. Getting up in the middle of the night is not a problem at all. Knowing that I get to see her beautiful eyes and hold her close to me again is all it takes to motivate me to get out of bed. Sometimes it’s hard to get up at first but I know I have a job, one single job at that moment and that is to nourish and love my child.

And seeing her with her Daddy? It is sometimes almost too much for my heart to take. Nothing makes me happier. I am so happy. I have been SO happy these last 3 weeks. Happier than I can even begin to explain.

Anyway, I am gonna go sit with hubby. He’s been glued to the tv. Sci Fi is having a trek-a-thon :D I’ve been watching as I’ve been getting things done. Pumping, dishes, laundry, posting pictures, writing this, etc. It feels good to be productive and get things done around here. I’m looking forward to when my “6 week postpartum” check up is and I get the all clear to lift heavy things and vacuum and clean again. I hate feeling like I have limitations. Er.. anyway like I was saying, I’m gonna go sit with Gene until it’s time for the munchkin to get up and eat again. I’m hoping she’ll get up around 11 PM again so she can go down by around midnight. I’m rooting for another good night of sleep but I wont get my hopes up or anything.

So after our good weight check appointment yesterday, Zoey decided she didn’t want to eat well. Actually, I think maybe she had a bit of an upset tummy. At her evening feed, she projectile vomited an entire bottle! Poor little girl. Over the night we fed her smaller amounts and she hasn’t gotten sick since then. I felt so bad for her that it brought me to tears. I know my postpartum hormones aren’t helping with that but I’m noticing I am a lot easier moved to tears than before. At our first doctor’s appointment last Monday, everyone was doting about how adorable she was and even that alone was making me all teary eyed.

Last night was a little bit rough for me. I was really, really exhausted and was having a hard time being up and taking care of Zoey. Luckily I got Gene up both times she was up to help me out. I noticed that when I got up the second time, I wasn’t feeling well at all. My head was pounding and I felt kind of dizzy. Maybe that had something to do with it?

Doing well here today. Just got a shower and feeling GREAT after that. Gene is taking such wonderful care of both of us and I am going to be so sad when he has to go back to work. I’m trying not to think about it and hope that time slows down a little bit.

I tried to sleep in our bed for my afternoon nap today and it was wonderful to sleep on my side again! However, when I got up, it was still really uncomfortable so it looks like we’re going to stay camped out in our living room for the time being. Whenever I get up from the bed, it feels like a really sore “ball” (I’m guessing this is my uterus) is floating around inside of me and it hurts when it moves around. I think once that heals up some more, it will be a lot easier.

Well, time to figure out what we’re doing for dinner. This morning I had toast with orange juice and it was amazingly! And then for lunch we had leftover pizza from last week.