This pregnancy started with me sitting on the bathroom floor with my back against the vanity, bawling my eyes out. Sobbing out of confusion. Scared because I didn’t want to put a burden or stress on my husband. Worrying about having a miscarriage. Worrying about another difficult birth. Lots of things, mostly just worry and being scared.
Saturday this pregnancy ended at almost 10 weeks with me sitting on the toilet, sobbing uncontrollably. The depth of sadness in my heart and soul is not really something I can even put into words. I was always so worried about miscarriage with my previous pregnancies. I worried constantly until about 20 weeks, when I could finally relax and feel more comfortable that everything was going to be ok. I never really thought my reaction to a miscarriage would be like this. Not at all. Here I am to tell you that it SUCKS. Plain and simple. Even with an unexpected, unplanned, COMPLETELY SHOCKING pregnancy, the heartache is as strong as ever. Because that was my BABY that I lost. That was a member of our family, lost. My dumpling. That was my first opportunity since I started crocheting to make my baby a blanket, a hat, booties and other sweet little baby goodies. There are SO many things I had already planned in my head, gotten excited about and dreamed about. But more than all of those THINGS, the saddest part of all is knowing that THIS sweet baby isn’t going to be a living part of our family. He (for some reason I always had a “he” feeling this time) will always be in our hearts and we will never, ever forget him. We just wish it didn’t have to end this way.
As for me, I am doing okay. Mostly numb emotionally, dealing with all of the glorious physical aftermath. Not really fun, but totally necessary. Going to the doctor next Tuesday to have some lab work done just to make sure my body is taking care of this on it’s own. Trying to move forward at this point. Taking it a day at a time. Nights before I fall asleep and during the day when Gene is at work are the hardest. But Gene? Oh my goodness. What an amazing soul he is. Taking the best care of me and our girls. He encourages me to nap, hugged me, stayed close, offered to do things, brought me drinks, fed us.. Just so many things he has done over the last week, even when I know he is sad about our loss too.
I am so grateful to my amazing husband, who took such amazing care of me all weekend. To my girls, who have been the perfect distraction. To my mama who has listened & checked on me every single day, multiple times a day. To my sister from another mister, Crystal, for always listening and for sending me the most beautiful flowers that have continually cheered me up every day. To my great friend Paulina who brought me lunch and came to visit so I wouldn’t be alone all day, letting our kiddos play together and have a relaxing day on the couch. To every single friend on IG/Twitter/blogosphere for their kind words and support and love and hugs. It all means so much to me. So so much. To know that I am not alone during this is SUCH a blessing.
I wanted to write a more eloquent post. But the wounds are fresh. My heart is heavy. I’m tired, still dealing with the physical aftermath. I’m glad my body did it’s thing on it’s own, though we wont know for sure if I will need a D&C until next week. I’m hoping we can avoid that.
I’ve already had people ask me if we are planning on trying for another baby. And the answer is yesIdon’tknowMaybeMaybenotWhoKnows. It took me a YEAR to come to terms with the fact that we were done with 2. I always wanted 3. After having Kiera, I wanted another baby so badly. I realized pretty quickly that financially it just made more sense for our family to be done with our two amazing girls. I was happy with that and after a year of thinking about it & pouring over the pros and cons, we came to the decision that we were happy and done. Then this happened? And wow… It is amazing how your heart can totally flip and flop and change in the short time of a little over a month. So, I don’t know. We’ll see.
I am so happy and blessed by our two amazing girls. We were SO fortunate to have easily conceived our girls without any problems at all and we both realize that. I definitely don’t take that for granted. I know too many beautiful women who have had to endure infertility and I would never take something like this with a grain of salt.
And speaking of my girls.. I’ll leave you with this hilarious picture.. Wherein Kiera shows her true colors (Class Clown 2012) and Zoey looks embarasssed. Kiera is SO my child. And yes, she DOES in fact have a neck.