Losing our dumpling

This pregnancy started with me sitting on the bathroom floor with my back against the vanity, bawling my eyes out. Sobbing out of confusion. Scared because I didn’t want to put a burden or stress on my husband. Worrying about having a miscarriage. Worrying about another difficult birth. Lots of things, mostly just worry and being scared.

Saturday this pregnancy ended at almost 10 weeks with me sitting on the toilet, sobbing uncontrollably. The depth of sadness in my heart and soul is not really something I can even put into words. I was always so worried about miscarriage with my previous pregnancies. I worried constantly until about 20 weeks, when I could finally relax and feel more comfortable that everything was going to be ok. I never really thought my reaction to a miscarriage would be like this. Not at all. Here I am to tell you that it SUCKS. Plain and simple. Even with an unexpected, unplanned, COMPLETELY SHOCKING pregnancy, the heartache is as strong as ever. Because that was my BABY that I lost. That was a member of our family, lost. My dumpling. That was my first opportunity since I started crocheting to make my baby a blanket, a hat, booties and other sweet little baby goodies. There are SO many things I had already planned in my head, gotten excited about and dreamed about. But more than all of those THINGS, the saddest part of all is knowing that THIS sweet baby isn’t going to be a living part of our family. He (for some reason I always had a “he” feeling this time) will always be in our hearts and we will never, ever forget him. We just wish it didn’t have to end this way.

As for me, I am doing okay. Mostly numb emotionally, dealing with all of the glorious physical aftermath. Not really fun, but totally necessary. Going to the doctor next Tuesday to have some lab work done just to make sure my body is taking care of this on it’s own. Trying to move forward at this point. Taking it a day at a time. Nights before I fall asleep and during the day when Gene is at work are the hardest. But Gene? Oh my goodness. What an amazing soul he is. Taking the best care of me and our girls. He encourages me to nap, hugged me, stayed close, offered to do things, brought me drinks, fed us.. Just so many things he has done over the last week, even when I know he is sad about our loss too.

I am so grateful to my amazing husband, who took such amazing care of me all weekend. To my girls, who have been the perfect distraction. To my mama who has listened & checked on me every single day, multiple times a day. To my sister from another mister, Crystal, for always listening and for sending me the most beautiful flowers that have continually cheered me up every day. To my great friend Paulina who brought me lunch and came to visit so I wouldn’t be alone all day, letting our kiddos play together and have a relaxing day on the couch. To every single friend on IG/Twitter/blogosphere for their kind words and support and love and hugs. It all means so much to me. So so much. To know that I am not alone during this is SUCH a blessing.

I wanted to write a more eloquent post. But the wounds are fresh. My heart is heavy. I’m tired, still dealing with the physical aftermath. I’m glad my body did it’s thing on it’s own, though we wont know for sure if I will need a D&C until next week. I’m hoping we can avoid that.

I’ve already had people ask me if we are planning on trying for another baby. And the answer is yesIdon’tknowMaybeMaybenotWhoKnows. It took me a YEAR to come to terms with the fact that we were done with 2. I always wanted 3. After having Kiera, I wanted another baby so badly. I realized pretty quickly that financially it just made more sense for our family to be done with our two amazing girls. I was happy with that and after a year of thinking about it & pouring over the pros and cons, we came to the decision that we were happy and done. Then this happened? And wow… It is amazing how your heart can totally flip and flop and change in the short time of a little over a month. So, I don’t know. We’ll see.

I am so happy and blessed by our two amazing girls. We were SO fortunate to have easily conceived our girls without any problems at all and we both realize that. I definitely don’t take that for granted. I know too many beautiful women who have had to endure infertility and I would never take something like this with a grain of salt.

And speaking of my girls.. I’ll leave you with this hilarious picture.. Wherein Kiera shows her true colors (Class Clown 2012) and Zoey looks embarasssed. Kiera is SO my child. And yes, she DOES in fact have a neck.

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Menu Plan Monday

Menu Plan Monday

Keeping it simple this week. Big stuff happened in our family. I’ll write more about that later.

{ This Week’s Menu }

Monday: Leftovers!
Tuesday: Leftovers for hubby & the girls. I’m going out!
Wednesday: One of my Freezer Meals + Rice
Thursday: Hamburger Mac n Cheese & Crescent Rolls
Friday: Frozen Pizza Friday
Saturday: Leftovers? Spaghetti?
Sunday: Leftovers

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Pregnancy: 9 Weeks

Weeks pregnant: 9 Weeks

Size of the baby: A grape!

Emotional crap: My crazy crying has come to an end this week, but I am finding myself very short tempered. Losing my patience with the girls and my husband, sometimes for no fault but my own. I hope this passes quickly and I’m sure they do too. My nerves with my recently relaxed-symptoms are on edge. Tomorrow is my first doctor’s appointment and I am so so nervous. This whole thing started as a huge SURPRISE OMG WTF WHAT HAPPENED WHAT DO WE DO moment a little over a month ago and now I am about to find out if this is REAL? I mean, the tests say it is, the symptoms say it is, but my brain seems to be in denial. In just 10 hours, we’ll get some official word on this pregnancy. I just hope it’s good news. I am really pulling for my little dumpling. This was meant to be. It has to be. Right?

Physical crap: Physical symptoms have settled a LOT over the last week. Boobs are swollen by the end of the day but seem normal in the mornings. My nausea is pretty bad when I lay down to sleep at night but during the day time I am fine. If I didn’t get SO tired all day after doing every little tiny task, I wouldn’t probably even know I was pregnant at this point. Which is causing me to worry a LOT.

What I want to devour: Anything and everything when I let myself get TOO hungry. But otherwise, nothing specifically. Ice water has been exceptionally tasty lately.

What makes me want to hurl: Cheese is still a no-no. I tried to eat some with some summer sausage and it was just a no-go. So sad. I love cheese.

Supplements: Expired pre-natals.

Baby prep: The other day I started really diving into plans (in my head) for the baby’s room.. And I legitimately thought about getting the co-sleeper out so that I could surface clean it really well. Then I smacked myself in the head so that I could return to REALITY. I haven’t even had my first doctor’s appointment yet, I can’t start getting baby products out!

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Pregnancy: Week 8

Weeks pregnant: 8 Weeks

Size of the baby: A kidney bean. The thought of that alone gives me horrid gas.

Emotional crap: EMOTIONAL. Need I say more? I am so exhausted from lack of decent sleep that I was so incredibly rude to my husband the other night. Thankfully, he is a forgiving guy who knows his wife is a little on the NUTS end of the sanity scale right now. My physical symptoms simmered down this week, which has caused EXCESSIVE worrying. I have tried to stay positive but I have my weak moments. I think the shock of this whole thing is starting to wear off and I am feeling so in love and so bonded with this little, tiny webbed finger baby inside of me. I think feeling so strongly about him/her is what is making me SO much more worried about something going wrong. POSITIVE THOUGHTS!

Physical crap: Boobs have not been very sore until today, which was a WELCOME SORENESS OMG. Nausea is hit and miss, but happening a LOT right when I lay down to sleep at night. Speaking of sleep, I have not had much at all. Like, AT ALL. I have become congested / stuffed up again (stupid Rhinitis) and is making sleep at night almost impossible. Most nights I lay in bed until 4 or 5 AM when I am so utterly exhausted that I finally pass out, regardless of how/if I am breathing well. I do not sleep well as a mouth breather, so the sleep I am getting is extremely lacking in quality. I am waking up, seemingly every 10 minuts to sip water because my mouth is so dry.

What I want to devour: Sweets have started to creep back on to my radar this week. Not a LOT, but a little bit. Maybe it’s all of that tempting halloween candy. My food cravings seem to change from minute to minute. I REALLY would be happy if someone would just give me french fries with every single meal. Or AS my meal, even. Still wanting some more Mexican Coke and loving plain ol’ Lays potato chips. Raw cashews and raw pecans are both on my night stand as my go-to snack.

What makes me want to hurl: Nothing really at the moment. If I even BARELY over eat at a meal, I feel sick and like death for an hour afterward, every time. I am doing pretty well at keeping that in check though.

Supplements: Expired pre-natals. Same ol’ story.

Baby prep: I started looking at baby blankets on Etsy and got sucked into THE CUTE WORMHOLE OMG. Obviously I am not actually buying anything because I don’t know what we’re having, but it’s fun to look. I am excited to crochet this little dumpling a blanket of his/her own. I wish I had known how to crochet when my girls were still in my belly.

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Pregnancy: Week 7

Weeks pregnant: 7 Weeks 1 Day

Size of the baby: 1/2″ long! A blueberry. My sweet blueberry.

Emotional crap: Emotions are FLYING HIGH this time around. I have never ever EVER been this emotional in a pregnancy, ever. I am crying over everything and constantly fighting back tears. Yesterday I was crying because I felt like I have no friends and everyone has abandoned me. Earlier in the day I was crying confusing happy/sad tears for a dear friend’s son. This morning I was crying because I thought I had upset my husband (I hadn’t). It’s all hit and miss, but mostly hit.

Physical crap: Boobs are still sore here and there. Nausea seems to be prominent in the early morning when I first wake up and right when I lay down to go to sleep at night. Ginger Ale usually does the trick. Yesterday I was nauseated after every meal I ate. Today, my symptoms are pretty tame & I am mostly just tired. The days when I don’t have very many symptoms are the days that I start to worry. I cannot wait to be done with the first trimester. It is nerve wracking!

What I want to devour: Meat. MEAT MEAT MEAT. Chicken, hamburger, steak, whatever. Gimme the meats! I tried Mexican Coke for the first time a couple of nights ago and wow, my life is forever changed. YUM YUM. I am a Diet Soda kind of gal but Mexican Coke? I WANT IT ALLLLLLL. So amazing.

What makes me want to hurl: Sweets are still off limits for the most part. Every now and then I can handle a little something. I stole some candy out of the girls’ trick or treat pails last night. No shame at all.

Supplements: Still taking my expired prenatals. I’ll get some new ones in a couple weeks. Man, is my appointment still two weeks away??? I hate to wish time away but I cannot wait until that appointment. I just need to SEE something on the screen and I will feel a humongous weight lift off of my shoulders.

Baby prep: All of the Baby Prep going on is in my head. Thinking about how we will make sleeping arrangements / bedrooms happen. Will the girls share a room? Will this baby be a girl? Will Kiera share a room with this baby? Or with Zoey? We have a relatively small 3 bedroom home but I love our house, so we will make it work. Also, been thinking about the vehicle arrangement a lot. We have a honda CRV. Two Britax Boulevards = BULKY. We might have to consider changing car seats to Diono’s, so that we can fit 3 across. Again, I LOVE my CRV and do not want to buy another car. Even though it would be expensive to buy 2-3 new car seats, it will be cheaper to do that than buy a new vehicle. Lots of mental preparations and thoughts running through my head every day.

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Menu Plan Monday

Menu Plan Monday

I have a major shopping trip to do this week, probably tonight? I am buying stuff make 11 freezer meals. “Dump meals” as they are called. Where I prep/dump ingredients into a ziploc, freeze it, then dump the bag into the crockpot & cook when I want. Easy peasy! I am super excited about doing this and if it works out, I’ll write up a blog post about it.

Also, my Mom and Dad invited us over for dinner last night where they had made home made bbq pulled pork and ribs! Mmmmm. Mom sent me home with a BIG container of meat, so I’ll be eating that throughout the week. I’ve been craving MEAT sooooo bad, so this will be nice!

{ This Week’s Menu }

Monday: Leftovers tonight! Need to empty fridge of leftovers
Tuesday: Meatball Marinara Subs
Wednesday: Leftovers
Thursday: Hamburger Helper
Friday: Frozen Pizza Friday
Saturday: Biscuit Pizzas
Sunday: Leftovers

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20 Chore Tuesday

20 chore tuesday

I’ve been so bad about blogging my 20 Chore Tuesday lately but I AM doing some stuff, just not everything. Getting chores done has not been an easy feat the last two weeks and I can tell this is going to be A Thing for the next month or two. Pregnancy exhaustion is no joke.

Yesterday I spent the day feeling pretty icky and then today I spent the day at a fun little event downtown called Pumkinville. Zoey painted a pumpkin and the girls went through a hay maze. Lots of fun outdoors. Around 5 PM I decided to get as much done as I could and I spent the next 3 hours going non-stop. I was a hot, sweaty mess and my back was killing me.

Today’s List:

  1. Swish & Swipe Bathrooms
  2. Windex Bathroom Mirrors
  3. Dust TV & Stand
  4. Tidy Kitchen Counters
  5. Dishes
  6. Pick up toys
  7. Get girls ready for bed
  8. Take trash out
  9. Refill dog water
  10. Sweep hard floors
  11. Mop hard floors
  12. Vacuum
  13. Our Laundry (2 loads)
  14. Girls’ Laundry (2 loads)
  15. Towel Laundry (2 loads)
  16. Bed Linen Laundry

As you can tell, I am WAY behind on laundry, which is why everything is going to take 2 loads to finish. Ugh. I’m trying though, I really am.

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